Beep beep beep 6:05am!
“Right then Jamie’s alarm clock, not only have you woke me up at an ungodly hour but you’ve also taken it a step further by beating my alarm clock by a whole 5 minutes”.
“Luckily for you the sun is rising and after a great nights sleep I have awoken with a lot of energy”.
“Now where did I put that can of energy drink I bought the previous night? Ah there it is, the can of red monster, just where I left you, on the bedroom floor. I’ll quickly put my things away and slurp on your ginseng and taurine goodness, as for this vitamin B you claim to have, I’ll just have to take your word for it”.
The time is now 6:30am and as promised the tuktuk driver is coming round the corner with a smile on his face.
“I’ll forewarn the others then off we’ll go. Good job we checked out last night as there isn’t a soul in sight. Jamie, you try and figure out how to get the chain off the door while I prevent the dog of the household from escaping”.
“Ah freedom, now let’s ask this kind gentleman to take us to our destination, a place called Treetop Bungalow Headquarters”.
“Ah, very good, he claims he knows the way, now let the three of us climb aboard and see if that’s true”.
“Hmm so this guy didn’t know where he was going, thank goodness we left a bit earlier this morning to allow for such a situation”.
“It’s ok, it’s only early morning and most businesses aren’t open, making it easier to weed out the building we are looking for”.
“What’s this? The driver is now on the phone asking for directions? Now we are taking off again. Now we’re going around the round about the wrong way, granted we are moving slowly, nonetheless we are going against the vehicular grain”.
“Why’s he turning around again? We’ve stopped outside a travel shop, could this be it?”.
“The driver has now disappeared inside with our tickets. I hope this is the right place, it must be, mustn’t it? It is!”. We have made it with time to spare”.
Inside we walked and dropped off our bags at the door. We were then told to sit, by a female staff member with piercing light blue eyes, similar to that of Jamie Bliss. The same lady then offered us breakfast.
“What do you mean you’ll sit with the bags Sarah? Fine, fine, I’ll go fetch you some food, you just wait there.”
“Oh great, is that it? Continental? A croissant, a baby banana, a couple pieces of watermelon and pineapple!”
“Now, now Ben, a free meal should never be barked at”.
“Great job Sarah, now Jamie has no seat, you were supposed to be guarding them! Oh well, we can all squeeze beside you on this bench I guess”.
“My my, what a filling breakfast that was, I am positively stuffed, there is no way I will be able to eat another single bite, even Henry the Eighth would’ve struggled with that feast”.
“What’s the commotion about now, oh I see, we are getting onto the buses which will take us to the ship. Here are our bags good sir, now lets see if we can locate us some seats”.
“What a stroke of luck, there happen to be three seats in a row at the back of this shoddy vessel. How long is this journey? 20 minutes you say? Ah that’s fine, drive on driver!”
“Ah I can tell by the smell that we aren’t in Kansas any more. Which can mean only one thing, we have arrived at the docks”.
“Oh thank you kind sir, you were quick to take my bags before the journey and now even quicker to take them off”.
“Come on guys let’s get on the boat now, we’ll have the cream of the crop to choose from, in terms of seating arrangements anyway”.
“Argh rar rar rar”
“What the heck is that noise?”
“Argh rar rar raaaaar”
“Don’t turn around Ben, whatever you do don’t turn around”. Why did I turn around?”
“From the looks of things, that dog’s rear legs have just been hit by the white car. The poor thing is flailing in pain as it attempts to get to it’s feet”.
“Any second now I am sure I will hear the coup de grace that will free the dog of it’s burden of hellish turmoil”.
There was nothing.
“I best not tell Sarah about the horror scene until it is out of sight”.
“Ah would you look at that, it would appear fate is dealing us two hands today, 3 more seats in a row”.
“Now to knuckle down and read the last of my book ‘Life Of Pi,’ during the 2 hour journey ahead”.
“Excuse me young lady, as hot as you may be in this temperature, would you mind not wearing such a low cut top which causes your bosom to practically fall out. It poses a constant distraction to me as I sit here trying to finish my book”. “Drats, only 50 minutes in and I have completed it, what a book. Shame there is still an hour and ten minutes remaining of this voyage. Especially now that seasickness has decided to pay me a visit”.
“I know what I’ll do, I remember someone once saying that staring at the woman’s cleavage in front will… Uh hum… I mean, staring at the horizon will help reduce the aquatic ailment. Nope, nothing, I still feel rough, having this cold isn’t helping matters either”.
“How about if I listen to some music, they say it’s good for the soul, perhaps it will aid my body too! Maybe if I close my eyes as well all will be ok”.
Up and down, up and down, up and down!
“Bluergh, I still feel sick.”
“Wait, what’s this? A slight passing of the nausea is occurring. Come on Akon, keep singing, and Ben, keep those eyes shut, we can get through this”.
“Ah land, sweet undeniable land, you were always there in the horizon, playing peek-a-boo every time the bow bobbed on the waves, but now you’re mine and I am coming to get you”.
“I have no idea, in my book, how the character Pi survived at sea for 200 odd days, I barely managed those 2 hours”.
“I will make a promise to you land, here and now, I will never cheat on you with the ocean, ever again… Least not until I have to do the return journey”.
“Look at you, you majestic marvel, your sand so chalk white. Soft to the touch like flour. Your ocean so turquoise it could make the colour itself jealous. Your forests so full of life and colour, it makes Rio’s Mardi Gras pale in significance. You truly are beautiful”.
“Ah, we’ve docked. Now lets all take our time and queue up sensibly, as only one person can get off at any given time”.
“Or not then. Let’s do the complete opposite, push and shove until we are nearly falling from the sides”.
“Finally, we are free, and what’s this? Luck, you certainly like us today don’t you! All three of our bags unloaded and waiting for us, thank you very much”.
Now, let us find our hostel and check in”.
“My goodness, we are located right beside the port? This day just keeps on getting better. Oh ok, we have to take our flip flops off first do we? Or is this just a preference of your guests? I will take mine off either way, out of respect for your residents”.
“This is a wind up now, surely? How did we beat everyone here? Thank goodness these people know how to run a business and will give us our room key promptly, that way I can put down both Mine and Sarah’s holdalls”.
“Oh wait, you guys don’t know how to run a business, ok I guess we’ll all hang around the bar area, clogging it up as more and more guests arrive”.
“Thank you. Now we follow this lady you say? Ok, come on then guys”.
“Well this IS a nice room. Oh wait, one more thing before you run away… There are already 2 bags in here”.
“Ah, haha, two more buildings up are we? Ok. That’s better, all but one thing, the smell! Is this the resort’s bathroom? Never mind about that now, I am sure it’s a temporary issue and will soon pass. All we need to worry about now is dumping these bags, applying some suntan lotion and exploring this island’s beauty for all it’s worth!”
Grumble, grumble, grumble
“What are you talking about stomach? How can you possibly be hungry? You had a continental breakfast, all but 2 hours ago. Remember? I even made the sarcastic joke that Henry the Eighth would’ve been full!”
“Ok then, if you want food lil buddy, then food you shall have.”
“Come on guys, we’ve walked far enough, I can’t see any more buildings up ahead, only trees and white sands. Sarah, did you read about any good places in the Lonely Planet?”
“There’s a place called Monkey Island you say? They sell good food you say? It’s only up ahead you say? Be still my growling belly for we shall sate you yet!”
“What a menu, and at such reasonable prices. I’ll have the ‘cluckin’ big chicken burger’ please, and for the lady, a fruit salad.
The lady behind the bar was happy because I said the full title of the burger. Clearly she must have created the name herself and was very proud of being the brain child behind it.
“That’s alright,” I said in response to her gratitude.
“Ooooh good idea Sarah, let’s play some card games while we wait. Rummy. Good choice. Boom, I win first game”.
A few games later our food arrived, to which I was ecstatically happy because my burger was (as the title suggested) cluckin’ big.
“Ah, a little poochy poo laying beside me on the floor. Such soft fur you have for such hot climates”.
“Now that we’ve settled the bill, lets return to our room so our Scottish friend Jamie can apply some factor ginge sunscreen”.
“With that done, lets find a lovely spot on the beach where we can wile away the hours in the sea”.
“Ok Jamie, we’ll wait while you go in that building and enquire about their fishing trips. Only $10 for line fishing is that good? No you say, preferring rod fishing over that any day”.
“No worries, I’m sure there’ll be other places, as for now, let’s just enjoy today”. The one thing that became most obvious to me as we strolled the beach, the amount of people our own age. For once the sands weren’t filled with old fat Russians, or old fat people full stop. Instead, they were paved with young, voluptuous women parading around in there bikinis. Please, oh please begin running in slow motion just like the Baywatch days I remember of young.
“Damn you then, no such luck, instead just lye there soaking in the sun while the three of us pass by in search of the perfect spot”.
“There looks good”.
10 seconds of sunbathing later,
“Right, that’s enough of that. I can’t lye on the beach any longer, I have no idea how you girls do it”.
“In the transparent, turquoise sea I go. Are you coming Jamie? NO? Ok then, I wasn’t aware you grew breasts, and liked sunbathing so much”.
5 minutes later.
“That’s better, I knew you’d come to your senses eventually”.
Half an hour of floating aimlessly and “bird watching” later (we saw red breasts, white breasts, the popular large breasts, and even the rare small tits).
“Let’s explore those rocks over yonder Jamie. We’ll be back in five Sarah.” “Hmmmm, not much to see here, not even any fish, let’s go back, so I can tag Sarah in”. Swappsies, in you go.
Splash, splash, splash was all I could hear in the distance as Jamie and Sarah made waves.
“I’ll just close my eyes for a second I think”.
10 minutes later
“Oh hello guys, have you both had enough?”
Drip, drip, drip went the sweat on my brow
“Enough of that, back in the ocean I go in an attempt to both cool down and catch some bottom feeder fish”.
“They’re just too quick. Oh, watch out Jamie, here comes Sarah with her camera”.
“Smile and pose, smile and pose”.
“Right then, lets return to the hostel now and shower ourselves down”.
“Oh look Jamie, there’s the book distractor from the boat, with even more of her chest exposed! Phwooar!”
“Ah, this’ll be nice won’t it, granted the shower/toilet doesn’t look that great, but at least it’ll be warm”.
“That’s ok, at least it’ll be light in there”.
As soon as the door closes “Arghghghghgh it’s dark. With what little light that is peering through the wooden surrounding I will endeavour to shower”.
“That’s better. To save on towelling I will simply put on a pair of board shorts and air dry”. Lovely. Now that that burden is over with, I’ll return to the room to get started on another one”.
“For the next couple of hours I will attempt to write this blog in a new fashion. They say variety is the spice of life, let’s see if my dwindling fan list will agree, and enjoy this new take on my ramblings”.
“Right, now that I’ve caught up with the day so far, I’ll go into our room and see what the other two are up to”.
“Oh dear! Wakey wakey guys, time to get up, you’ve both been asleep for a while now”.
“That’s more like it, now lets get ready to go out. Good idea Sarah, food and beer are the perfect combination for the evening ahead. I’ll just go do my hair and I’ll be ready”.
“ARGH, why won’t my hair work, it’s become too long over the past 82 days, that number one haircut I had before we left has now grown out of control, much like a neglected garden”.
“That’s ok, I’ll just sweep it back, surely that way I’ll look like some Hollywood heart throb. Damn it. Nowhere near. I look more like a schoolboy on picture day”.
“Never mind about that now, after a few beers I won’t worry what I look like anyway”.
“Off we set then guys, let’s go fill our bellies like the kings and queens we are”.
“My, my, my it has certainly got dark outside now, the sun seems to set a little later here, at 6:40pm. As opposed to 6pm back in Sihanoukville”.
“Hhhmmm, it is quite difficult to navigate to Monkey Island, avoiding the odd dog, crab and dog doo is nothing short of a miracle”. Ah, I see the lights of the building shinning onto the beach. Our safe haven from the darkness is just a little farther”.
“It’s a lot busier than earlier, but wait, over there, two free tables. Ah that’s nice, right then, I’ll have the fajitas, and yes Sarah I’ll go halfsies with you on the buy one get one free cocktails.
50 minutes later…
“Ahhhhh, that food was delicious, and my my aren’t these Muay Thai’s strong”.
“Let’s play a game of psychic. The rules?You pick up a downward facing card, place it to your head and predict what you think it is”.
King of hearts
“WHAT!? I got it? YES, I am psychic. Oh hello”.
Two new people have arrived on the table beside us.
“Hello Helen, hello Dean. Chat, chat, chat, anecdote, anecdote, anecdote”.
“Hey Steve, what a surprise seeing you tonight. Where have you been all day? Diving you say? Was it good?… Really? You’ve sold it to us, it’s confirmed, tomorrow Jamie and I will enquire about the prices of this amazing 3 day experience”.
“Two more people coming to join the table, hello… Introductions, chat, chat, chat, etc, etc, etc…”
WHAT WAS THAT!?!?!?
“A rather large gecko has fallen from the ceiling onto the laps of both Jamie and Sarah”.
“Now that you’ve finally calmed down Sarah, would you look at the time”. “12:15am. I am feeling quite tired, rightly so seeing as we have all been up for over 18 hours”.
“Good idea let’s go back. Goodbye guys, safe travels, enjoy the rest of your honeymoon Helen and Dean”.
“Now, let us navigate ourselves back across the dark sandy dessert and return to our room.
… At the door …
“What do you mean you can’t find the key Sarah? I put it in your bag when we sat down for tea earlier! Let me have a look, hhhmmm, I have clearly emptied the contents of this bag and I still can’t find it”.
“Come on Jamie, let’s retrace our footsteps and see if we can find this blasted unlocking device!”
… Back at Monkey Island …
“Oh dear, in the space of 5 minutes the four people we said goodbye to have clearly drank more. Theyre shouting and slurring all over the place”.
“Never mind us, we’re just looking for a key”.
…Much searching later…
“Nope, can’t find it Jamie, I know, I’ll download a torch app for my iPhone, and it will illuminate our way home”.
“As well as lighting our way, it will also weed out any fallen items, should the key have lept from Sarah’s bag during her drunken walking”.
“Oh hi Sarah, what are you doing walking back along the beach to meet us?” WHAT!?
“You’re telling me the key was in your bag all along? And I physically moved it out when searching for it? And it was only when you heard it rattle on the bench after we left that you knew it was there?”
“So that means, the walk Jamie and I just did was all for nothing? Let’s just get back to the room now and finally sleep. I am grumpy and exhausted”.
“There we go, I’ve finished the days entry, finally!”
“To finish off the day let us now go through the evening rituals of cleaning teeth, washing faces, and emptying bladders. Now we’re ready for a good nights sleep in our little wooden shack.
… Lights out …
“Everyone in bed? Everyone have their mosquito nets tucked in? Great. Night night guys, don’t let the Mosquitos bite!”